More Trust Issues

I know that I wrote earlier that I have worried that I will develop trust issues. Most of the time, I think about talking to other people, maybe men, sometimes even women and worrying that I don't understand what they're saying or more importantly, why they say it. As an example, I was at a wedding reception tonight and when my 7 year old was being overly friendly with a young man, we were teasing her, calling her a little flirt. He laughed and said that she obviously learned it from her Mom. So I spent the rest of the wagon ride wondering if he was teasing me, or if there was a point in our conversation that he believed that I really was flirting with him. And not only that, but I think this kid and I are distantly related. So that just kind of turned my stomach, also taking in the fact that he had to be at least 15 years my junior.

The other trust issue I have is because of some so called friends back in the States that I thought were loyal to me. Obviously now, by the way my soon to be ex husband is phrasing things, someone down there is talking to him and blabbing everything. It makes me not want to talk to people that know him, because he lost that right to know things about me when he walked out on me and the kids.

There are a lot of things that are upsetting me right now. And I know people care, but it seems to me that what I'm going through is the bottom of everyone's list. I hate feeling like this, that I'm concentrating on my life to the exclusion of everything else. When all this was going down, I didn't have my family and my friends with me. I had to rely on myself to see me and the kids through everything. And then, when I finally get myself and the kids home, everyone is acting like all the bad things are not quite my fault, but I'm the only one around to blame to a small extent. It's like my parents are swooping in and telling me, it's all that bum's fault, don'y worry, we'll take care of everything and you just relax.

Unfortunately, they don't realize that I have had to be strong and there for my kids and deal with everything and be the one to get things done for all these years. So they come in and by trying to spoil the kids and end up ignoring me... it's difficult. I basically end up feeling like the bad guy, or incompetent. I'm not good enough as a Mom because my kids need all these things that I still can't give them, but my parent's can. They need time that I can't give them anymore because I have to work now. They need more space that I can't provide because I have to live in my parent's house until I can establish enough money to do anything. I feel like a failure, even though I know I should be proud of myself for getting us through this far and hanging on and keeping going to strive for a better life than what we had. And maybe I would feel proud of myself, if I didn't still have so many people around me dragging me down. Telling me that my thoughts or memories are wrong. Or people that dismiss my abilities or capacity for what I can possibly do. I've been gone from here almost twenty years. I think it's safe to say, that people just don't know me anymore. Maybe they never did.

Confusion

Just as the title says, I am getting a little confused. Because of this divorce going on and the way that I feel about my about to be ex, I am naturally very shy when it comes to new relationships. And I'm not just talking about men, but friendships and other things as well. I don't feel like I can trust anything right now because everything has changed. Everything is still changing for me. Or perhaps in a state of flux is the more appropriate idea.

Now, since my ex has found someone to move on with, and had before we even separated, he's been trying to push me into a new relationship. Mostly, I suspect, so that he won't feel guilty about cheating. I've told him repeatedly that I'm not ready and that even if I was, it would no longer be his business until I was ready to introduce a new man to the girls. But the kids can't even mention a male name without him jumping them for details. This man is going to lose contact with the kids if he keeps up this behavior. It's already on shaky grounds with the elder two.

But what I'm wondering is how I start trusting myself about what my instincts are telling me. Because I don't trust them right now. My gut was telling me to run hard and fast when my renter told me that he loved me. He was drunk and I think lonely and pretty sure that he meant it as a friend. I can't trust my instinct every time I have a conversation with someone that last's more than six sentences. Unless of course they're family or I've known them for many years. I just find myself micro analyzing everything that is said to me from these new people. I think I might just end up with trust issues.

Massive Changes

I started out writing a post here, not quite ranting, but going a little too in depth into the events of the past six months. Suffice to say that I am in the process of getting a divorce. Because my husband left our family and our home, there's been a lot of difficulties and stresses. Writing, while being a source of stress relief for me, has not been a priority. Or perhaps I should say writing for an audience and publishing in some manner has not been a priority to me.

Even now that I have moved my children to my home, where I am comfortable and able to recover from things that have happened, it still is not high on my list. I've had to move my children to a new country, try to find work and a whole list of other things that go along with the situation.

I guess that at some point, I will get back into the swing of writing. But going from being a housewife and homemaker for the past seventeen years plus, to suddenly being the sole bread winner is really going to cut into my old ways and routines. In all honesty, I will sacrifice the writing first, because everything else is for the health and welfare of the kids and myself. There it is folks. I know that you all will understand. And if you don't... I'm scratching my head here to make it simpler...