Fiction APP- A Little Out Of My Mind

Title: Accidental Pen Pals

Chapter Title: A Little Out Of My Mind

Author: Restive Nature

Disclaimer: I do not own the rights to BtVS or Dark Angel. They belong respectively to Whedon & Mutant Enemy and to Cameron/ Eglee. No infringement is intended and this fiction is for private enjoyment only.

Rating: PG-13

Genre: Crossover

Type: Friendship/ Humor

Pairing: Dawn/ Joshua (as friends)

Summary: All she asked for was a little help on a school project... but this IS Dawn we're talking about here.

Spoilers/ Time line: This is Season 7 for BtVS and Season 2 for Dark Angel. But things have been skewed for BtVS so that the show fits into the Dark Angel format of Post-Pulse.

Feedback: Always welcome!

Distribution: Ask first please.

A/N: This is a response to the Pen Pals Challenge. For challenge details, please see the first chapter.

Accidental Pen Pals

Chapter Six

A Little Out Of My Mind

Dawn arrived home, having had to walk that day since both Buffy and Xander had things to attend to after school. It wasn't much like she had minded. She had looked forward to the solitude.

Buffy as it had turned out, was pretty understanding about the whole situation, that Willow had manned up and took responsibility for. She had explained to Buffy that she was the one that had taken the letter, assuming that Dawn had wanted to mail it, simply based on the assumption that the letter was on the table and there were addressed envelopes there. Dawn had explained that part, since she wanted to make sure that she had plenty of envelopes and didn't want to have to search out his address each time. Both women rolled their eyes at what Dawn was sure they considered laziness on her part. Or disorganization, since she sometimes ended up with papers everywhere.

So Buffy had been dismayed, but offered that perhaps Dawn had been good enough to not mention things better left unsaid, outright in her letter. And the more she encouraged Dawn to think about it, Dawn was sure that she had not mentioned her sister being the Slayer. In actual terms. But she had written a lot. There was something about herself too, but she couldn't remember exactly what. Of course, she had scribbled out her feelings and then hadn't read the words again, finding them still too fresh, too painful.

So she had taken Buffy's advice and had written off a quick missive to Joshua, explaining what had happened. She had asked him to forgive the verbal spewing that did not translate very well onto paper. Because Buffy was right. Short of asking Willow to magically poof the letter; which was not a good use of Wiccan powers, or, really, a task that Willow even wanted to try, as small as it seemed, it was the only course of action available to them.

But Dawn still felt that horrible sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach. While all the kids at school were getting excited by the upcoming Halloween dance, one that Dawn knew she would avoid like the plague, or all the tricks they could pull on the teachers, she had been mulling over that letter. It really wasn't fair, she had thought, even if she hadn't written anything incriminating, to put that burden on another person like that. Especially one as young as Joshua seemed to be. She really hoped that if he did have that letter and read it, that someone would help him to understand.

When she reached home, she was startled to find that there was a letter there, waiting for her among the bills and advertisements. Relieved that Buffy wasn't home, nor Willow, Dawn deposited her belongings on the dining room table and separated her letter from the rest and took it to the living room. She curled up at one end of the couch and stared at the envelope. The words looked like the others she had received, no clue there. Nothing to tell her that this perfectly nice person thought she was crazy, insane or needed mental help. Biting at her lip, Dawn mulled over waiting until someone else was home before she opened it.

But then, she stiffened her spine and resolve. How was she ever going to prove that she was mature enough to handle stuff like this unless she just did it. Decided, she slid her finger under the edge of the glued flap and tore open the letter. There were several sheets and as she unfolded them, the words at the top made her shake just a little.

Dearest Dawn (she read)

I am so very terribly sorry for this horrible thing that has happened to you and your family. When I read your letter, I felt the heaviest pain in my chest. I couldn't understand until I realized that I was asking the same questions that you had. I didn't understand how I could hurt so badly for someone I don't know very well. I think it is because we are humans who care. I care about the people who are in my life, even if it just for a moment or longer. I care about the post man who brings your letters. Who he is, does he have a family, what makes him smile when he comes to my porch. What makes him whistle a certain song when the sun shines.

I care about my friends. Did Max have a good day at work? Did she and her friend Cindy enjoy their night out? What would she like to do when she comes over for dinner. And I care about you. What will Dawn write about next? Would she like to hear about the new book I read? How is her project at school going? I think the reason that we care is because people, new ones and old, make us feel something or think something and because everything in this world matters, the people who do these things matter most.

I think I understood most when you said that people might think of you and your friends as freaks. Where I lived before, everyone thought I was a freak. But to some people, it didn't matter. Max was my friend there and she told all her friends that I was a person. Someone who mattered. She tried to help me out and I am very grateful that she did. She is now my closest friend. She is like a sister to me. And her friends care about me because she cares. She was also very saddened to hear about what happened to your friend. She cried. And I think she did because she remembers what it is like to lose friends.

She told me that when someone dies, even if it wasn't someone we knew very well, it makes us stop and think about the things that are most important in our lives. But she also said that understanding takes time to happen. She said and I agree, that it sounds like you need more time. She thinks that maybe you sent that letter by mistake. That you hadn't meant it as a real letter to me, but were writing to express some of the pain that you couldn't hold inside.

I am glad though that you sent it to me. Holding pain inside can make you feel twisted and wrong. I remember this feeling. It is not good. It's like a sickness inside and for that reason, I am glad to have this letter, even if it made my heart hurt. I understand that you didn't know this Cassie girl for very long. But maybe if you can remember the things about her that made you smile, then it will help. Max told me about one of her friends that died last year. She started telling me a sad story about him, but then started laughing as she remembered some of the funny things he said to her. It made it easier for her. His name was Theo. He use to work with her. Maybe not the same thing for you. I don't know. It can be hard to find happiness in sadness.

The other things you said in your letter that I really liked was that you wanted to lean on your sister and she could lean on you too. But you were afraid that you would topple over. I wanted to smile at the picture in my mind of that. It seemed so simple to me, the answer to that. I thought, Dawn needs to have another lean. If she asked someone to help lean, then their stand would be stronger. The more support, the stronger they will be together than just the two of them. I hope that you can do that. I hope someone else will lean with you.

It sounds to me like you and your friends and family have had some rough times. I was thinking about tough times I have had. And some times I do not even know how I managed to get through them. I think I always just thought of better times that I had, or thought about how things could be different in time. And I was right. Things have gotten better for me. Things will never be perfect, but I am happier now in my life, than I had been in such a long time. And one of those reasons is because you take time in your life to be my friend. I hope that doesn't change. It seems to me that we could also lean on each other too. I will be sending you all the joyful and happy thoughts that I can, to help you get through this difficult time.

With love and friendship,

Joshua

Dawn let the letter droop a little as she sniffled and reached quickly for the box of tissues that were auspiciously placed on the end table. She mopped at the tears streaming down her face as the pressure of worry lifted from her chest. She had noticed that there was a post script in a different writing style and she would read it. But first she needed a moment. Once she had dried her eyes enough, she turned her attention to the added missive and her breath caught as she read it.

Dawn, (it began)

Please forgive my presumptuousness in adding this note. My name is Max, and I'm the one who runs errands for Joshua. He was very upset when he got your letter and allowed me to read it. He wasn't trying to divulge your secrets but simply wanted help in helping you. We both understand the grieving process and figured your letter for an attempt to help yourself deal with your loss for which we are both very sorry. I can only hope that you both continue your letters. I can't even adequately describe the joy that Joshua has when he receives a letter from you, but you brighten his day as nothing else does.

With deepest sympathies,

Max

Dawn gasped slightly and then let out a relieved whoop. She hadn't messed up monumentally. And they had totally understood exactly what that letter was. Oh, she knew that Buffy would be so relieved to hear it. But then she glanced at it once more. She frowned as she read over the post script once again. Was this Max worried that she'd be so upset or embarrassed that she'd stop writing to Joshua? Especially after he'd written such a kind and caring letter? Pfft! Dawn lived on the hellmouth and faced dangers far worse than a little embarrassment. After all, she was a teen made with a sterner metal than any knew.

With a grin, she set the letter on the coffee table before her and wondered just how much time she had before her sister got home to insist that homework get finished. Not like she had all that much to do. Pushing herself up from the sofa, she made her way to the kitchen to retrieve a snack and work on her next letter to Joshua. This one wouldn't need any artificial sweetener to it. She was feeling so much better already, though nothing would take away the ache that Cassie's loss had prompted. Except time and distance from the event itself.

*****

Joshua stood in his kitchen eying the mostly bare cupboards. Max had brought him supplies, to tide him over for when she might not be able to make it over to him. Since she usually brought hot meals after her shift at Jam Pony Messenger Service, she had decided to bring by some dry cereal in bags and boxes. There were also some canned goods. But the longer Joshua stared, the less hungry he felt. But it was noon time and that was eating time. With a sigh, Joshua closed the cupboard door and then stilled as noise echoed outside the house.

Falling into an immediate crouch, he moved as silently as possible to the safety of the lower cupboards that would shield him from the covered window. He listened intently, Max's warnings ringing in his mind. But the sounds were slightly familiar, even if they were happening at the wrong time. When he heard the creak of the mail slot in the door, he cocked his head in puzzlement. Why was someone playing with his mail slot?

Perhaps it was some neighborhood children, like those loud boys he had heard down the street. Yelling, playing, arguing, hitting, riding old bicycles one after the other, racing by his window. Joshua remembered Father reading a story about some boys that liked to play pranks on people and one of the bad things they had done, was to put things like little firecrackers in people mail boxes. Joshua wondered who, if this was the case, would teach them a lesson, if they were being naughty.

But there was simply the sound of something light landing on the carpeted area. And then the footsteps, heavier than the mailman's or Max's, were clumping down the wooden steps. Joshua waited several minutes until he was sure that the coast was clear. When he made it, crawling on all fours to the living room window, he was able to catch just a glimpse of the familiar uniform of a post man. But it wasn't his post man. This person wearing the uniform was a large woman with curly red hair stuffed up under her post man hat. Joshua grinned slightly. Post woman.

But why had his post man not come? Why had this post woman come to his house early. He made his way to the door, forgetting hiding now, since he was pretty sure that there were no naughty boys. And sure enough, there was a white envelope. With a whoop of joy, he retrieved it, wondering who it could be from. Perhaps it was the mail man that delivered Dawn Summers letters. Maybe this post woman was delivering from somebody else. But that was not right. Max had explained that mail men had routes that they traveled each day. But sometimes, he suddenly remembered, like messengers, if someone was sick or hurt, the others that worked with them would trade routes, or shifts! He remembered that, feeling triumphant.

Because the letter was from Dawn. And checking the post stamp, he saw that it was dated for just a few days after she had sent her last letter. It felt very light and was very thin. Forgetting about meal time for the moment, Joshua carried the letter to the sofa and made himself comfortable to read what Dawn had written.

Dear Joshua,

I am so very sorry for the last letter that you may have received from me. The one about my friend Cassie. If you haven't received it, then please, please, please, feel free to just tear this one up and throw it away!

Anyways, if you did get the letter and read it, I'm guessing it probably didn't make much sense. You see, Cassie died and I was, well I was kinda out of my head when I wrote all that stuff. I don't even really remember what I did write. And I certainly didn't mean for it to be mailed. I had set it aside when I was getting some homework. Since it was on the dining room table, my friend Willow thought I meant for it to be mailed. So she thought she would be nice and do that for me.

Things have kind of been a little crazy around here. I hope you understand. I don't want to come off as... well, I don't know. I guess I just wanted you to know that letters like that aren't what I like to write, especially to someone who has been as nice and as understanding as you've been.

Your friend,

Dawn

Joshua smiled and read through it again. Max had been right. Poor Dawn was probably very upset about her friends mistake. He stood to put the letter with the others on the mantel. And then moved off to find his pen and paper. Dawn deserved another letter to make her smile now.

*****

Joshua was frustrated.

Plain and simple, he had managed to put a paragraph down on paper, for Dawn to have. He wanted to assure her that he wasn't upset by the mistake and certainly wouldn't hold anything against her about that. Like Max had said, grief was a process.

No, what had Joshua frustrated was that aside from Dawn's letters, Max's visits and the books he read, there was very little to talk about. At least any safe topic. He had already told her the very little that he could of his past. He could not talk about Max much either. And it felt rude to talk about Cindy, even in a letter, having only met her once himself, when he had trailed Max's scent to her apartment and Cindy had kindly made him breakfast.

Luckily, Max had come by that night and he had presented the problem to her. She had offered several suggestions which Joshua had decided to think over, sleep on and then decide which he would use in the morning.

But when he finally felt in the mood to write, he was interrupted by the coming of the post man again! He recognized the correct foot steps this time and was relieved to see his post man there. True, he was now carrying a dark blue handkerchief in his hand that he used to wipe his nose. He stuffed the handkerchief into his coat pocket, before he rummaged through the small packet of letters he held in his hand before finding one for the Sandeman house and putting it through the slot. Joshua smiled wistfully as he heard a distinctive sneeze reverberate through the window and the post man retrieved his handkerchief once more as he moved on to the next house.

“Feel better,” Joshua called out as he watched the man's back retreating. And then he made a hurried dash to the front door.

Again, he performed his little ritual, excited that he had two letters so close together. He could hardly wait to read it and his hands were trembling slightly. Perhaps Dawn would have questions for him about his favorite things, like Max had said he could write. He paused only momentarily when he thought that this letter might be sad too. But his curiosity was rising and he hurriedly pulled the letter out of the envelope.

Dear Joshua,

What a wonderful letter you sent. I am so happy that we decided to keep writing to each other. Your words helped so much. And maybe, just knowing that I'm not alone in what I felt and feel helped more than I knew. And I am relieved that you understood that journal letter. I haven't kept a diary for a while. I think I remember writing something about that before. Oh well! No worries about that, right?

Things have been a little better since after that day. Unfortunately, our friend Anya decided to quit her job after some really bad accidents happened that she caused. It was a very hard decision for her to make, but in the end, I think it was the best for her. I know you might not understand, so I'll try to explain.

See, she and my friend Xander were supposed to get married last year. And Xander wasn't sure about it. So he told her, on the day of their wedding, that he couldn't go through with it. Anya was devastated of course. And because she didn't know what else to do, she went back to her old job. Even though she wasn't right for it anymore, in my opinion. And of course, because she had changed so much, she wasn't committed to the job like she used to be. She seemed to get into trouble a lot. I know she said a few weeks ago that some of her privileges at work got revoked because of her behavior.

So now, she's hanging around the house, not knowing what to do. The store where she also used to work is gone now, so she can't go back there. Mostly she wanders around the house, telling me how I could be doing things better. I figure that she might be right. But I'm still a teenager and allowed to make some mistakes! Right? I know Buffy is a little wary about having her here. The house sure is getting full. At least Xander has his apartment to escape to. I bet it must be hard to have to see the person you loved so much but couldn't be there for and disappointed so badly day after day. And be reminded of how bad things got, all the time. If there's one thing Anya is good at, it's being sarcastically mean. And blunt. She's very blunt.

Halloween is coming up right away. I had a sleepover last year that ended badly. So I don't think that I'll be going out. Trick or treating is passe at my age. There is also a dance, but no one has asked me. And I don't really feel like going and having all the ditzy girls running the show. They never play any cool music anyways. But what about you? Are you going to go out trick or treating? What will you dress up as?

I remember one year, when we were little, my sister dressed up as an ice skater. She really liked Dorothy Hamil, this skater from like, forever ago! And my mom was so cool. She made this awesome costume for me. She dressed me up as a Zamboni. If you don't know, that is the machine they used to clean and smooth the ice after everyone was done skating. Then she took us trick or treating. That was when we lived in Los Angeles. I remember we got so much candy because people thought we were so cute and ingenious.

I should probably remember to ask Buffy if we're going to get some candy this year, in case anyone comes to the house. They usually do. If we don't have candy when they come, they might egg and TP our house. And I know exactly who would have to help clean it. That's right. Me! I hope you're the kind of person who wouldn't do something like that. Because dried egg? It's like cement. It just does not come off nicely. Of course, I've seen worse things to be covered in that I won't mention because urgh, they're also super gross!

Anyway, I need to get started on my homework. I hope things are going well for you and your friends. Your Max sounds like a really nice, smart person. And I would really be happy if you could pass that on to her for me.

Your friend,

Dawn

Joshua laughed with delight as he read through the letter. And then again more slowly the second time. What was this Halloween Dawn talked about? It sounded like a most excellent subject to look up and ask Max about. It seemed a little familiar. And dressing up! Father had always said that dressing up was a special occasion. Perhaps Max or Cindy would have some ideas.

Renewed, Joshua found his letter again and busily put his mind to work as the words flowed from hand to paper.


Chapter Seven- Back And Forth