Class A Jerk Husband

How do you tell when your husband is a complete and utter jerk , moron, dipshit and all around creep that you just want to drop kick to the moon?

Well, you can usually tell when it goes a little something like this:

Wife: I'm really upset because of something going on and I know you're far away working, but could you take two seconds and reassure me.

Husband: Silence

(Two hours later)

Wife: Are you just not getting my messages.

Husband: Silence

Wife: Fine.

Husband: Hey, did you know that something involving our kids is going on?

Wife: Read your texts dear!

Husband: Huh. Okay.

Wife: And on top of that, I'm sick.

Husband: Well don't give it to me.

Wife: How can I give it to you when you are at work and I am at home?

Husband: Just don't give it to me.

(Several hours later.)

Husband: I'm home and I'm mad. You kids gave me this crap of yours.

Kids: Well don't feel bad, we gave it to Mom first.

Husband: Yeah, well she doesn't have to get up and go to work like I do.

Kids: True, she just has to take care of us when we're sick, you when you're sick, make your meals, clean your clothes, take care of the house and the pets, even when she's sick and puking her guts out.

Husband: I'm going to bed. Go get me things.

Kids: ~sigh~ Fine.

Husband: The kids got me sick!

Wife: Yes, I heard when your shouting woke me up.

Husband: ~bouncing the bed~ Feel my forehead.

Wife: ~feels forehead~ You don't have a fever, please stop bouncing the bed.

Husband: ~bouncing bed even more~ You're warm! Come here!

Wife: Not right now please, I'm trying not to vomit.

Husband: I'm going to the bathroom because the kids gave me their crap!

Wife: Okay, so go. ~tries to sleep again~

Husband: (apparently has rambled for quite some time) ... and I told my boss that if I felt like this that I was calling in sick because those kids can't control the nasty viruses they get and they always get me sick. ~bouncing bed~ And I feel like shit. This isn't a normal tired because of the hours I've worked. I feel sick. And I think you're wrong. I think I have a fever. I had to crap. So I'm sick.

Wife: Please please please for the love of God! Stop bouncing the bed!!!

Husband: Fine. Jeeze. I'm just trying to get comfortable because I'm  sick!

Wife: ~staggers from the bed to the bathroom, vomits four or five times~  Gah! ~washes mouth out, returns to bedroom to find husband sprawled across the bed, and taking up her spot~ Can you move please?

Husband: ~snore~

Wife: Fine, wasn't like I wanted to survive this any ways. I puke this way some more and maybe I can wind up in the hospital for dehydration and get a break. Oh no wait. Then you'd be there the whole time whining about how you hates hospitals and how you better not get sick and how much this is going to cost you, especially since you had to take time off work to whine at your sick wife....

Fin