Author Restive Nature
Disclaimers: I do not own any of the characters from Buffy the Vampire Slayer or Angel the Series. They belong to the almighty Joss and I just play with them for my own amusement before putting them away neatly.
Spoilers: Buffy Season Three “Amends”
Summary: A teenage girl with mysterious ties to Angel helps him with his Christmas Amends.
Chapter Twenty-one- Only Dreams
Now that Angel had heard the whole story of Dylan’s life with the Vampires, not jut the parts of it that he could remember himself, he was amazed. She’d had many close calls. And while he was thankful for it, he wondered how charmed her life must be to have survived this. It made no sense that Spike could have reined in his irrepressible urges to kill. It made no sense that Dru would be under her enchantment for that long of time. Surely Dru should have tired of the girl long before she ever had a chance to ensnare them with her visions. And for himself, Angelus couldn’t care less about some random girl’s visions. Why hadn’t he done anything? But he pondered again, the first time they had met. She’d been afraid. But the words she’d spoken to him had been full of challenge. He’d ended up respecting her to a minimal degree. Even though his demon would never admit it, he knew the truth.
“When we met,” he began slowly, “you told me that you’d seen much worse than me. What did you mean?”
He didn’t miss the startled look she tried to hide as she met his eyes. “Ah, I was bluffing,” she lied. He shook his head sadly.
“Please don’t lie to me,” he told her quietly.
“I’m not lying,” she protested softly. He cocked his head to the side.
“Dylan, I can tell that you are,” he informed her easily. “Why don’t you just tell me why you said that. It can’t be worse than what you’d already had to deal with.”
“What if it was much worse?” she argued. “What if it was something that not only hurt me, but someone else who didn’t deserve it?”
“Who else was hurt?” But she sat silently, not meeting his eyes. HE leaned in closer. “It’s okay to tell me. Dylan I have seen and done things beyond your imagining. You won’t shock me.”
“Yeah, it would,” she denied. He ran a frustrated hand through his hair. She turned to study him. “I have a question. What would you say to someone who knew all your deepest, darkest secrets? Someone who knew exactly what your demon did?”
“I- I don’t know,” he stammered. He thought immediately of Buffy. Of course she knew some things. She had lived with the things he’d done as Angelus. And of course Giles knew, from reports in his Watcher’s diaries about the Scourge of Europe. But no one but himself knew all the horrible things he’d done in his demon days. And he had a hard enough time, facing those two when they only knew a fraction of his past.
“Do you see now why I’m having a hard time sharing?” Dylan’s voice caught his attention. He stared at her, suspicion growing in his mind.
“You know,” he realized suddenly. There was something in her eyes, something that told him she’d been sharing his pain all along. She glanced away and he was now certain. “But how?”
“That day in New York,” she muttered. “That’s when the dreams started.”
“What?” he demanded harshly, needing to know how deeply she’d been scarred.
“When I fell and hit my head,” she explained. “After you left me at the hospital, the doctors ran scans and tests.”
“I thought you’d just bumped your head, maybe had a concussion,” Angel frowned.
“That’s what they thought at first too,” Dylan sighed sadly. “But as it turns out, that bump was pretty serious.”
“What did they discover?”
“As near as they can figure, part of my brain received a little bit of damage at the front,” Dylan shrugged. “It was the part that controls memory. Which makes sense, because I have a horrible one. There was also theories about impulse control. But I was a kid. What kid doesn’t have a problem with that?” She grinned at her own little joke, but sobered up when she saw his drawn features. “My parents weren’t overly worried because the doctors said I would probably heal on my own.”
“But you didn’t?”
“I did,” she told him. “But it took a long while. You see that night was when the dreams started. At first I didn’t understand. I thought they were just nightmares. And the people in them weren’t real to me at all. But as I grew older, they began to get clearer. I think I was about twelve when I first understood what I was seeing, and who.”
“Angelus,” he choked out.
“Yeah, Angelus,” she confirmed. “And sometimes Darla, Dru and Spike and a whole host of others.”
“How bad was it?’ he forced himself to ask.
“Would you like a running list of each victim I watched you kill?” she asked harshly, then bit her lip. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that.” He shuddered. “I just meant, that I think I saw everything.”
“In your dreams,” he confirmed. She nodded. “So it wasn’t like you were sitting back, watching it on a television screen?” he demanded. She winced; knowing what he was getting at.
“No,” she spoke gently, trying in some way to ease him through this. “I was in the dreams.”
“As what, one of us? An innocent bystander? What?” he stared at her, his face stony, until he realized that there was only one possibility left. “Oh God, don’t tell me…” He was horrified. She didn’t need to confirm it. She’d dreamt that she was the victim. “Oh God,” he repeated again, more softly. “Why? You were only a kid.” She laid a hand on his back, trying to offer her meager comfort to him as he had done for her earlier.
“It’s okay Angel,” she soothed. “I’m okay. I survived. They were just dreams.” He stared at her.
“Why aren’t you insane?” he demanded seriously. “I lived through it and knowing what I did nearly drives me insane. I know you didn’t, but dreaming all that, as a kid, not knowing…”
“I’m not insane because I always woke up,” Dylan reasoned out.
“I’m amazed,” Angel grimaced. “No wonder you weren’t scared of me last year.”
“Yeah, you were pretty tame compared to before,” she smiled. He frowned at her. “Oh, take it as a compliment, please,” she giggled. He tried to hide the sudden small grin on his face. “Please don’t worry over this. I’ve learned to deal with it. You shouldn’t feel bad about it. Instead, look on it as a gift.”
“A gift?” he looked dubious.
“Yeah, cause now you have a friend that’s seen you at your absolute worst,” she grinned. “And still chooses to be friendly with you. Someone who knows and understands where your pain comes from, and can still look you in the eye and say that she believes you are a good man.” He glanced away from her.
“I’m not a good man,” he denied, remembering his conversation from earlier with Buffy.
“You can be when you try,” she told him. “And if I didn’t believe that, I would never have invited you in.” He stared at her again, searching her eyes. And just as he sensed earlier when she was lying to him, he felt the truth of her words. She had accepted.
“Can I still hate the fact that this happened to you?” he muttered.
“Sure,” she answered brightly. “Don’t think of me as a victim.” He winced, as that’s exactly how he was thinking of her. She saw this. “And you know, even those victims of yours, I got to say, some of them were better off after meeting you.”
“How can you say that?” he shuddered. “I was a monster.”
“Angel,” she spoke softly, but intently. He quieted and gave her his attention. “You were in these peoples lives for a brief moment at the end. You didn’t always know the truth of what you’d walked into.”
“What do you mean?”
“Do you remember the pumpkin patch?”
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