Author: Restive Nature (aka Bavite)
Disclaimer: The characters and fictional placings of either of these shows do not belong to me. They belong to Cameron/ Eglee (Dark Angel), Joss Whedon (BtVS) and Whedon/ Greenwalt (AtS). Only the story belongs to me.
Rating: 13 (for now)
Genre: Crossover of DA/ BtVS
Type: WiP
Timeline/ Spoilers: Post Season 5 for Buffy. Up to LAtR for DA. Story set in DA time.
Summary: BtVS/ DA crossover. Life brings about so many changes. Especially when one has just risen from the dead.
Chapter Nineteen
May 31st, 2021
7:36 p.m.
Seattle, WA
Fogle Towers, penthouse suite
"No," Buffy cried out, shaking her head again. "I can't go through this again."
The assembled group stood in the middle of Logan's living room, all carefully not meeting each other's eyes after Buffy's abbreviated outburst. The girl in question had retreated again from them, physically for the most part as she had finally let go of her crushing grip on Alec's hand and had moved away from her former friend, Tara Maclay.
Alec, wincing quietly and flexing his fingers to try and encourage blood to return to his hand, was watching Buffy out of the corner of his eye, as he was sure the others were doing too. Tara Maclay was the only one staring intently at the short blond girl, head on. Since her words weren't widely understood, what exactly couldn't she go through again? It wasn't so much that there were things that they were sure she would like to avoid, maybe it was just that there were too many things she could be referring to. And not things that a normal human would be thinking of.
After all, for some reason that Alec and he was sure Max and Logan could not fathom, on their recent trip to Sunnydale, former home of Logan's cousin Buffy, the girl had been mysteriously resurrected out of her twenty year old grave. There was not much of an explanation for that, aside from a haunting vision of her friends trying some sort of magic spell, including blood and gore and strange things in the night that none of the Seattle residents were familiar with. That the ritual had somehow transmuted through to present day, taking blood through the runes that had made themselves known on Max's skin, was another puzzling question to which they had no answer.
All of these thoughts were surely running through their minds. Alec could only imagine what was going through Tara and more importantly, Buffy's minds. The shorter blond was huddling in on herself, reminiscent of the first few days after she had woken from death. And no matter how much he said that to himself, Alec had the unnerving sensation that he would not get used to the idea, let alone words.
“Maybe we sh-should talk privately,” Tara finally ventured words into the silence. Her question was directed towards Buffy, but it was a gentle questioning, Alec could see, designed in part to keep them at ease with her presence. Alec knew that he wasn't very on board with the idea, because of what he had admitted to himself earlier that day. He wanted Buffy to be okay and was ready to help however he could, for whatever reasons he wasn't dwelling on. Taking her away from that was another time bomb waiting to happen. But at the same time, he also realized that this had to be Buffy's choice. He shook his head at Logan, just as it looked like the man was ready to protest.
“Just,” Buffy said softly then, her head coming up, “I just have to know first.” She slowly wet her lips and Alec could see that she couldn't quite meet Tara's eyes, but she was trying. “Dawn? Do you-?”
It was still painful for her to contemplate that her sister was dead and Alec was sure that would continue for a long time. After all, everyone else involved had a decade or more to get used to the idea that Dawn had been lost in a train accident, but without further proof of a decaying body in a grave or hell, anything else, Buffy just wasn't accepting it. Perhaps, Alec mused, if one of her trusted friends told her so, then Buffy would start to believe it.
“I'm s-so sorry Buffy,” Tara sighed after a long moment and then shook her head. “She died, in a train crash, because of th-the pulse,” she explained and then glanced around at the others. “You do know-?”
“We explained it to her,” Max offered quietly, speaking for the first time in a while. Tara nodded and turned her face to her friend once more. She took one half step to the girl, holding her hands up at a kind of half mast, meant to indicate that she was no threat.
“Buffy, Dawn t-told me what you s-said to her that night,” she offered quietly. Buffy's head snapped up at that. Everyone could see her eyes glaze over as she was obviously remembering something.
“The hardest thing in this world is to live in it. Be brave, live for me.”
Buffy could clearly remember the words. They were emblazoned in her mind. Tara must have recognized that the words were there. She smiled encouragingly at her petite friend. “She did what you asked. She tried s-so very hard to be brave. And sh-she lived her life to the fullest. It was just a h-horrible accident that took her away from us.”
There was a charged, pregnant moment as Buffy seemed to digest that. And then there was a sad smile on her face, though Alec could see just how forced it was. “I take it you aren't referring to my father coming to take her away.”
“No,” Tara smiled, the feature matching Buffy's in that instant. She moved a little closer now and Alec was relieved to see that Buffy wasn't instinctively tensing up, though she still seemed wary. “Though that was bad enough. It hit us all hard. Especially Willow.” Tara felt a pang in her chest, as she often did when thinking of her redheaded love and partner. The spiral that Willow had been in was still painful to think of. “What sh-she did,” Tara began and then stopped herself, for many reasons. Well, the first, most important one, she was sure she could not explain to these people. She had no idea how much they knew of Buffy's life, probably very little and until she was sure, she would not bring it up. Secondly and somehow more intensely important, was that it was still so painful and Tara just could not put her emotions on display like that in front of strangers.
“You're right,” Buffy breathed out on a sigh. “We should talk. In private.”
Alec was amazed at those simple words, how suddenly Buffy changed. There was no movement to indicate any such change, but it was there all the same. Instead of meekly being led around as she had been until now, there was a tangible feel as she somehow was taking control. There was still a hollowness about her, but something that this Tara woman had touched on had resonated with Buffy. He took it as a good sign for the traumatized girl. Yes, whatever information might pass between them could be damaging, but it needed to happen, or she would never get over it. To that end, he spoke up before Logan or Max could protest.
“Why don't you use Buffy's room?” he suggested, gesturing down the hallway that he and Buffy had emerged earlier from. “We can wait out here.” He glanced at Logan, noting the familiar look of irritation that the man had when others interfered in what he considered his domain. “I'm sure we'll have some questions for you too.”
“Of course,” Tara agreed promptly and without rancor. She waited for Buffy and the shorter woman turned on her heel and led her friend away from them. Their footsteps echoed on the floor and then were muffled by the sharp click of Buffy's bedroom door shutting. It hadn't even faded before Logan was confronting the male transgenic.
“Do you really think that was the best idea Alec?” Logan did manage to keep his voice lowered, but there was no mistaking the ire in it. Alec held his hands up, a peaceful gesture that wasn't quite.
“Calm down,” he hissed instantly. “It was obvious Logan, that they didn't want to talk in front of us. Despite how you keep going on about being Buffy's cousin, she still does not know you! And she has no reason to trust us further than she can throw us. And in case you've forgotten, Max and I can hear just fine, what's going on in that room, if you'd shut up.”
Logan's eyes widened when Alec's rant started and though it looked as if he would retort, he glanced at Max at Alec's last assertion and Max nodded tiredly. His mouth shut, jaw working furiously, Logan finally moved back and chose a seat on the sofa, crossing his legs, his foot jiggling just slightly. Alec chose a seat close to the hallway, waiting for the expected blowout, however it was going to come.
*****
Tara followed Buffy through the well appointed penthouse suite that spoke of money, though it was probably on the dwindling end, judging by areas of the walls, were the colors did not match up, that something had once resided there. Buffy led her into the bedroom and once Tara was through, shut the door. She took a seat on the bed, leaving the chair for Tara. Tara seated herself, wondering what question would be prevalent on the girl's mind. But she was surprised and puzzled when Buffy put her finger up to her lips and then pointed at the door and then her ear.
It took Tara a moment to understand what was bothering Buffy and then she realized that the other blond was worried about people eavesdropping. And given the subject matter they had to cover, it was a well founded fear. She knew that Buffy had never been very good at the undercover aspect of her Slayer status, but apparently twenty years in hell had taught her caution. Tara shuddered slightly, only barely able to comprehend what that could have been like. Thinking quickly of any applicable spells she could cast without benefit of herbs, candles or another person, she finally came up with something. She rooted around in her pockets for a piece of paper and pen and a book of matches from the motel that they were staying in. She hadn't even realized that she had put them in her pocket. But then, a good witch was usually prepared for anything.
Tara wrote out the spell, checking her wording and spelling against her memory. Sure that she had it correct, she looked around for somewhere to burn the paper that would not draw notice of burn marks. Buffy seemed to understand what Tara wanted and brought her a glass, still half full of water. Tara smiled in gratitude and then quickly lit the paper on fire. She dropped the match into the water as soon as the paper was burning. They both watched with interest as the paper glowed a burnished orange before the ash crumpled and fell into the waiting glass.
“What will that do?” Buffy asked quietly.
Tara returned the cup to the nightstand. She would let Buffy dispose of the water later. She spoke in a normal tone of voice. “Anyone outside of the room will just hear garbled words, no matter how close they get,” she explained softly. It was the easiest thing she could think of that involved only minor tampering with other people in the vicinity.
“What happens if they come in?” Buffy asked then.
“Then we stop talking,” Tara answered simply as she retook her seat. It wasn't until she noted Buffy's wide eyes that she realized how that was taken by her literal minded friend. “Oh n-no, not like that,” she giggled, despite the severity of the night. She was glad as Buffy sagged with relief. “N-no, I meant that we should stop talking until they leave and then we can resume our conversation.”
“Oh, okay,” Buffy deflated a little with her relief.
Tara composed herself, folding her hands in her lap and gave Buffy a moment to orient herself, perhaps to order thoughts that were sure to be chaotic. It also gave her a moment to do the same for herself. “I'm sure that you have a lot of questions,” she began. “And I can probably answer most of them, but if you'd pr-prefer to ask what's important, well, it might n-not make s-sense.”
“Unless I have the whole story?” Buffy decided and Tara nodded.
“W-was there a pressing question about what h-happened or what's bothering you?” Tara inquired gently.
“You wouldn't believe me,” Buffy sighed, slouching again, almost like she was defeated, but Tara knew better. Buffy eyed Tara and the older woman kept herself still for it. She just knew that Buffy was measuring her up. She wondered if she should say something or just let the girl make her own assessment. In the end, she stayed quiet. “You said earlier that you could sense me, sense Faith. What did you mean?”
“I guess, maybe your power, your aura,” Tara explained at once. It was a talent that she had had for so long now that she never had to give it a second thought. “It's something that was very like sensing when another witch or magic user was near me. Someone that was actually a practitioner, not just a casual dabbler. But there was something more with you and Faith, like the magic was different in you somehow.” Buffy was nodding, so Tara assumed that she had explained it well enough.
“So then,” Buffy went on slowly and Tara waited patiently, “it wouldn't sound, you know, crazy or something, if I said that, well, I can,” she paused, gaging her friends reaction and Tara made sure that her face was calm, accepting, though she was not really worried, expectant was more like it. Finally Buffy took in a deep breath and then got out in a rush. “I can still sense Dawn.”
To her credit, Tara did not blurt out that yes, Buffy was crazy, that she was silly, that the thought was insane. Nor did she entertain notions of how to disprove the idea. She simply accepted and asked, “sense her how? Physically, mentally, emotionally?” Her unhesitating acceptance of this seemed to buoy the younger woman.
“Physically, I guess,” Buffy admitted. “Mentally no. Emotionally, I don't even know where I am, let alone Dawnie.”
Tara nodded at that, several possibilities playing through her mind. But she still needed more information before she could even entertain the notion that little Dawnie, one of her very dear friends, could be alive after all these years. Of course it was possible, the proof of the universe's possibilities was sitting before her once more. “Can I ask, does this feel the same as w-well, before?”
Buffy understood to what Tara was referring as soon as she said it. “I don't know,” she replied honestly. “It's hard to... remember some things. Time was.. different,” she admitted, though she couldn't get all the words out. She still could barely admit it to herself.
Tara let her take the time she needed to orient herself. Buffy knew that this was one of the things she remembered liking about the other woman. In the dim recesses of her memory, she had the vague sense that when she had finally started getting to know Tara, she had thought that the blond witch had really grounded Willow. Not that Willow was, well, there was the babble and the quick mind and the multi-tasking. She remembered once that she had thought that Tara was quite like a kite string, tethering Willow so that the redhead could fly safe.
She liked that idea. She was also so very, very jealous. For while Tara let Willow fly, gently guiding and bringing her friend home, whomever had the strings on Buffy jerked and yanked and reeled her in before it was time. It was a distinctly uncomfortable sensation. One that passed over her again. The moment that she had been able to think at least a little clearly, back there in Sunnydale, she had felt those strings, those chains settling over her again. Realizing that her mind was wandering off the topic, as it easily did these days, Buffy focused on her sister.
And realized that this feeling was familiar for more reasons than one. When she had been... where she was, she knew that Dawnie was safe. Not in the, right by my side, with Buffy fighting her battles to keep her innocence intact, but in a, she would be okay with whatever was being dealt in her hand of life, because there were other people that cared about her. That would take care of her feelings and her being, the way Joyce and Buffy had.
But now, there was that all consuming feeling of wonder and worry and a vague hint of annoyance. She could almost feel it like a sweeping wind coming from the east. She turned her face, to glance out the window of her bedroom, realizing that she almost expected Dawn to be out there, her countenance young and beseeching. Calling to her sister, to come, save her, rescue her, don't let these bad things happen to her. She was just a girl... She didn't understand! How could they...
Yes, the feelings were familiar. And long standing.
Because she had felt this way always about Dawn, even before they had learned the truth about Glory. Before they even knew that there was a threat to Dawn, because the girl had been created to house the powers of the Key.
Buffy wet her lips again and turned her head back to face Tara. She wondered, only momentarily, what Dawn would look like now. Tara had been very recognizable. But Dawn, made from Buffy's blood, had her own look, but would she have looked more like Joyce? More like Hank? Would she look as Buffy should have if Buffy had made it even a few more years beyond what she had?
“Ever since Dawn came into out lives,” Buffy explained slowly, as Tara listened with patience, “I've always been, aware of her. She is and always has been a part of me. And it feels like... like part of me is missing. Like those, remember we talked in class about those soldiers that had lost limbs and stuff?”
“I remember,” Tara nodded. “Phantom pain from their missing limbs.”
“Exactly,” Buffy returned the nod. “Phantom pain, but it's not physically painful.”
“Is it more like that example of when a soldier woke up and was acting as if his arm was still there?” Tara asked, remembering discussing after class with Buffy and Tara the implication of the mind to refuse knowledge in favor of feeling and bodily sensations. The young man in question had acted like his limb was fully intact, reporting that when he had stretched after waking, he could feel the muscles in both arms, the stretch of his flesh, in both arms and hands, until he had noticed that his lower arm was missing and then the sensation had faded as knowledge reasserted itself.
“It's just like that,” Buffy breathed out, grateful. “That was how I felt then, when Dawn was near and when she wasn't. Like there was part of me floating off by itself. And that's how I feel now.”
Tara chewed at her lower lip for a moment as she thought her way through this. She regarded her friend seriously. There was no way that she would discount what Buffy was saying. She understood the power of thought and feeling and it's place in the world. And again, she couldn't discount things just because it was not in her scope of experience.
“Buffy,” she finally spoke and she noted how Buffy seemed to be holding her breath. “I believe that there is a reason for everything that happens. I've always believed that anything is possible, even if we don't always know how to accomplish it. Even if there are reasons why it should or should not be done. And, there are several things that come to mind.”
“Things like what?” Buffy queried eagerly.
“Well,” Tara paused, realizing belatedly that she had once again mastered her stutter. It made her smile a little to think back on what she had learned, that when her passions were engaged and her mind was working on something so much more important than thinking of her shyness and her inability to easily put itself forward, it would become less noticeable. She had almost expecting that it would be much worse here with Buffy, reminiscing about the past, but it wasn't. There was a comfortable familiarness about Buffy, a sense that when she was there, things were going to be okay, just because Buffy would make sure of it. She hadn't realized until now, just how much of the Scoobies mentality had rubbed off on her and how she still carried it to this day.
“There is the possibility that because Dawn was physically made from you, that when you were resurrected, she was as well,” Tara decided to get what was the most horrifying possibility out of the way. And she could see from Buffy's gaping countenance that her friend had realized the severity of that one as well. “Of course, since Dawn's body was never recovered, she would have had to made her way out of the rubble from the accident, which I know has been cleared away, for the most part. And if she did wake up somewhere, she knew where we were and would have a much better chance of contacting us, than you would have, Buffy,” Tara reassured her friend. Buffy nodded, letting out a shaky breath. “The other two possibilities seem more likely to me than that one. The others being that Dawn did pass on in that accident, or she did survive it and for reasons we don't know or understand, never came back to us.”
“But why?” Buffy burst out immediately. “Why would she not?”
“I can imagine several scenarios,” Tara interjected quickly. “For one, Spike might have convinced her that it was safer for her to stay in hiding.”
“Spike?” Buffy frowned, considering the bleached Vampire once again. She had thought of him before, when her cousin and his friends had been asking for people they could look for for her. But she knew there would be no way to track him. She could tell instantly from the soft look on Tara's face that whatever change Spike had insisted was occurring in him must have continued after her... her death.
“He kept his promise too,” Tara nodded encouragingly. “He swore to look after Dawn and he did. A lot of things,” she paused and frowned then and Buffy knew she was searching for the best way to explain to someone who hadn't been there, who did not know what had occurred. “Dawn suffered so much loss that year, of course, you know that. And she couldn't really, keep herself together at first,” Tara explained, feeling the hurt of the other younger girl's pain in her chest again, as she had so many years ago. “She was reckless for a little while,” she explained and Buffy smiled wryly.
How well Buffy could remember those feelings herself. Nobody handled death well. And if it hadn't been for Dawn needing her after Joyce's death, she knew that she would have been much worse off.
“And Spike watched out for her?” she concluded and Tara nodded.
“Unfortunately,” Tara continued then, “he was not home. He had, uh, moved into the basement of your house, so that someone was there all the time while Dawn was home that summer.” Buffy accepted that easily. “Well, he was out to get some supplies for Willow and he got trapped by the sun. So he wasn't there when your father sh-showed up to take Dawn with him.” Tara sighed, her eyes misting over a little as she lost her focus on the woman before her, going back in time a little, it seemed, in her mind. “When he got home that night, he was furious. With us, for letting it happen, with Willow, for asking for the supplies, with himself, for being stupid enough to have been trapped.” She smiled again, sadly. “When he finally finished yelling and th-throwing things, then he left. He stormed out, determined to find her.”
“Did he?” Buffy asked quietly. Tara nodded enthusiastically.
“Of course,” she provided with the security of one who had lived through the events, as she obviously had. “It took some time, since none of us knew exactly what Hank had in mind for Dawn. He did allow her to call us and write letters, but he thought it better for her to not see us, not be reminded of her losses for a while. So he had to get back to Spain, for work I think, and they caught a flight as soon as they reached Los Angeles. Spike tracked them there and when he figured out where they were going, made his way to Spain as well. It took him longer than it did Dawn and Hank, but he eventually made it.”
“So,” Buffy frowned as more thoughts occurred to her, “why wasn't Spike with Dawn on the train then?”
Tara nodded, that was an obvious question. “Your father objected to their relationship.” She saw Buffy's eyebrows rise, though there was no censure there. Buffy had had objections to their friendship herself once upon a time. “When Dawnie finally enrolled in college, she and Spike figured that as an adult, it would be easier to keep Spike close. But when Hank finally met Spike, apparently there was a huge blowout as your father didn't approve of him.” She wasn't all that surprised by Buffy's snort of laughter. “As I understand, your father tried many different ways to keep them apart. Spike even went so far as to enroll in school to have a legitimate excuse to stay close to Dawn.”
“Really?” Buffy scrunched up her nose. She had no idea the lengths the Vampire could go to. Well, maybe she did, but for her little sister? Apparently a promise could be sacred to a Vampire, as much as it could to a souled being. Of course, the reverse of that was also very much a possibility.
“Night classes, of course,” Tara chuckled herself. “But then, when Dawnie finished school, that excuse was lost. And Hank, I don't know if he heard rumors or something, I don't know how the laws work in Europe, well, he got some sort of restraining order against Spike. He couldn't come within a hundred yards of her. So, when Hank and Dawn boarded that train, Spike was close, but apparently not close enough.”
“Unless, like you said,” Buffy reasoned out, “Spike did rescue her and then convinced her to stay in hiding of some sort.” Tara nodded.
“I can't quite imagine that he would do that though,” Tara mused. “He knew how hurt we were to lose our Summers women.” She smiled as Buffy started at that. “He wouldn't have put us through that pain if it weren't real.”
“Or there's another possibility,” Buffy sighed, raising from the bed and moving to stand before the window, bathed in the moonlight, her arms crossed tightly across her chest. “Maybe Dawn was hurt too badly in the wreck. Maybe Spike chose to... to...”
Tara's eyes widened as she watched Buffy's shoulders hunch over.
“Oh no!” she burst out as she realized what possibility was in her friend's mind. “No no! See, that wouldn't have happened.”
“You don't know Tara,” Buffy sighed, turning her bowed head just slightly. “Spike was, he was a very weird Vampire.”
“I'm not arguing that,” Tara giggled, sounding much more like her youthful self than the mature woman in the here and now. “But see, part of that recklessness? Well, Dawn and her friend Janice, lied to us about a sleepover and snuck out to go out with some boys. When Spike found out, he went ballistic. We searched for them and when we found them, Dawn was off with this boy, kissing him and Spike, well we thought he was crazy for a second, when he pulled out a stake, and well, he was right. He staked the Vampire and then he told Dawn that if she really wanted to play with her life like that, he'd turn her right that instant and then she could be a 'nasty, bloodthirsty nibblet' for all the rest of her days.” She finished, having badly imitated Spike's accent. Buffy had stiffened at that revelation and Tara hurried on. “Dawn didn't want that. She just wanted something to make her feel. She felt so very numb. And the rush of danger, well it made her feel something. She was finally able to grieve after that night,” Tara revealed and when she glanced at her friend again, she could see a lone tear on her friend's cheek. It matched her own. “Dawn made Spike promise that he would never turn her and that if another Vampire did, he would take her out. He didn't just promise, he vowed Buffy.”
The shorter blond nodded and then let out a gusty, relieved sigh. But then she whirled around, horror in her eyes. “Wait! Dawn was kissing a Vampire?!”
Chapter Twenty
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