Title: Dream Within
Author: Restive Nature (aka Bavite)
Rated: NC-17
Disclaimer: All characters within this fiction are the property of Cameron/ Eglee. I just like to play with them.
Timeline: Six weeks after FN.
Pairing M/A
Summary: An unexpected accident causes Max to think about the future in a new way.
Chapter Sixteen
Wasting Time Asking Why
"So where do we start?" Alec asked as he reclined against the back of the couch. Max carefully snuggled into his side, careful to keep things un-intimate. Alec was accepting of that.
"Mmm, the beginning?" she teased with a little giggle. Alec smiled down at her, then tilted his head back.
"That’s a lot of ground to cover," he sighed.
"Well, Joshua told me the basics," Max told him again. "You can just give me the filler."
"Like what though?" Alec asked. "It’s not like I know what Josh told you. Is there anything specific that you wanted to know about?"
Max straightened a little as something crossed her mind. "Yeah, there is something."
"Shoot."
"Okay," she grinned. "What the hell is up with Normal? I mean, his attitude reversal was great and all that. But why did I find a note telling myself to check with him over Christmas stuff? What Christmas stuff? And why Normal? I mean, he doesn’t even like me that much. But when I called him, he was acting like we were best friends. What the hell is up with that? I mean, I know he likes you-!"
"Max!" Alec interrupted, laughing. She glanced up at him, realizing how easily she’d distracted herself. She widened her eyes, and shook her head expectantly. "That’s an easy one. I asked you to call Normal about the party," he paused, "you did figure out about the party we’re having, right?" She nodded. "Okay, anyway, you were supposed to ask Normal if he would donate Jam Pony services as one of the door prizes. But you, being you, fobbed it off on Original Cindy."
"Ah," that little mystery was finally solved. Strangely, Max felt a little disappointed that it was something so straightforward. To simply ask her former employer for a favor. It was something mundane, something she had done before. Up to now, she had been focusing on recapturing things that were foreign to her. Almost like a roller coaster ride. Scary, exciting, stomach clenching, never knowing what twist was around the corner. But it hit her so suddenly that she wasn’t just lacking the big things; all the little things that had made up her life were gone too. She unconsciously drew away from her husband as she found herself dwelling on this.
"Maxie," Alec’s soft tone pulled her out of deep thought and she glanced up at him. "What is it?"
"I don’t know Alec," she murmured, returning to press her head against his chest. His arm came up to caress her back. "It just… it hit me all of a sudden… everything that’s been missing."
"You remembered?" he asked, his voice verging on excited. But with a quick shake of her head, he sat back, deflated.
"No," she whispered, apologetically. "I mean, up until now, I’ve been thinking about all the big changes. How TC has changed. What we’ve accomplished. The fact that we’re married." She sat silent for a moment, while she ordered her thoughts. "It’s like someone who’s been completely blinded. I mean, maybe they saw a sunrise, a hundred of them, or maybe a thousand. But as soon as they lost the ability to do it, to see all that, they can’t remember ever seeing one. You know?"
"I guess," he replied softly, guarded.
"And for me, I’ve lost all those little things," she went on. "I mean, I know the mechanics of my life. I get up, have a shower, and get something to eat, go to work. And with these damnable memories that Manticore gave us, if I really tried, I could remember doing these things every time I did them. But they’re so mundane, they just kind of blend, one day into the next." He nodded, starting to understand. "When I first got out," she recalled when she’d first escaped from Manticore, "it took me a while to put it all together. To put the memories in the proper order. But I knew then that I’d remember. I don’t even have that now. I hate feeling like this," she scrubbed the back of her hand across her cheek, trying to stem the tears that were gathering in her eyes. "Alec, I want the little things back!"
"You’ll get them," he promised, trying to soothe her.
"You don’t know that!" she burst out, her ever hopefulness deserting her suddenly. "I mean, God! This whole past week, I couldn’t get them back. If I’d had those little things, you’d have never noticed a damn thing!"
"Uh, I’d like to think that I would have," Alec grunted, trying to diffuse her anger with humor, just like before. But it just made her feel worse. She didn’t really know how they handled each other anymore.
"See what I mean!" she continued on angrily. "I feel like a damn stranger in my own skin. I don’t like feeling like this!"
"Oh sweetie," Alec sighed, his lips resting on her temple. "I want to say that everything will be okay, but I won’t lie. I know you can handle this. I’m scared it won’t ever be the same as before and I know you’re scared of that too. But I promise we’ll do everything possible to make it that way. You’ll get your memories back and all the little things will be yours again. And if it doesn’t happen, we’ll figure out new little things and make them ours." Max was slightly mollified; appreciating that Alec wasn’t sugarcoating the situation. She laughed ruefully.
"Who ever thought I’d lose it over something as stupid as eating a bowl of cereal?" she chuckled at herself, sniffling back the effects of her flash storm of emotion.
"I can see why it’s so hard," Alec shrugged. His hand rubbing thoughtfully at her lower back. Max kept herself still; for fear that he’d remove it if she drew attention to how much she was enjoying it. "I mean, like you said, you’ve been concentrating on all the big things. But it’s all the little stuff in between that big stuff that makes up life. That’s the biggest chunk of your missing memories." She nodded. He did understand, to a degree.
"Is that why you won’t tell me about us?" she asked softly. "Because of all those little things together?"
"Partly," he answered slowly. "Yeah, there are a lot of things about us… Look at it this way Max, what if I were to tell you that you licked me all over in the middle of TC?"
"What?" she screeched, sitting straight up. "I never did that!" She paused to take in the earnest face staring back at her. "Did I?" He nodded, fighting a grin as he obviously recalled the moment.
"Well, you didn’t quite go that far," he smirked, then grew serious. "But see Maxie, at the time, it was something you did, that seemed perfectly natural in the moment. You just don’t feel that right now because it seems out of character for you. For how you regard yourself. I don’t want to tell you things you said and things you did, if your first instinct is to fight it."
"Okay," she nodded. "I won’t fight it. I’ll just listen," she tried to promise, but he was shaking his head.
"But that’s the thing," he sighed. "Memory isn’t composed of just things that occurred. There’s the thought process and emotions that go with it, all combined to make up your memory associated with a particular moment. I can’t give that to you. It has to come all from you."
She couldn’t refute the logic in that. She swallowed heavily. "Okay, I get that. Why else though?"
Alec groaned softly and ran a hand through his hair. "There’s a lot of reasons Max. The biggest one being that I don’t ever want you to feel that I pushed you into this. I don’t want you to resent me down the road. I can live with a lot of things, but not your regret." Max watched him as he nervously toyed with a lock of her hair. Smiling a little, she leaned forward and pressed her lips to his. His hand stilled, unable to keep from responding to her. Max liked that his body responded to hers even when his mind was, well of two minds. She pulled back, seeing his eyes shining and full of emotion. She pulled his hand down to wrap around her waist and settled herself against his chest again.
*****
Max woke, feeling chilly. She glanced around, surprised that she’d fallen asleep on the couch, wondering where Alec was. But he hadn’t gone far. She finally focused her gritty feeling eyes enough to see him in the kitchen, on the phone. She kept her breathing even and concentrated on his conversation.
"Thanks Tina," he spoke softly into the receiver. He waited, pulling the phone down from his mouth a little. Whoever he was waiting for must have come on the line by the way he sat up straighter. "Yeah, sorry to bug you again." He listened. "Yeah, she’s okay. She told me, finally," he grunted. "But she didn’t tell you everything." Alec’s gaze rose to look at the ceiling as he sighed heavily. Max realized quickly enough that he must have been talking to Doc. "What I mean is that Max didn’t tell you that she’s lost her memories of this past year and a half." He held the phone away from his ear, and even without her enhanced hearing, Max caught the strangled exclamation of surprise. Alec smiled tightly, waiting for Doc to settle down. "No, we don’t know what caused it. That’s why I was calling you." Another pause. "Well I don’t know! Can’t you do a CAT scan or something?" He rolled his eyes. "Well, where can we get the equipment?" There was a longer wait. "Okay. Why don’t you go ahead and do that and then get back to me?" He listened another moment. "All right. Thanks Doc. I’ll talk to you later."
Max pursed her lips, wondering what they had decided for her, again tamping down the irksome feeling. "So what did Doc have to say?" she asked, trying to keep the irritation out of her voice. Alec glanced up in shock, in the process of replacing the telephone on the counter.
"Max!" he gasped. "You’re asleep."
"No I’m not."
"Well, you were," he argued defensively. He hopped off the stool and moved to kneel beside the couch. "You should get some more rest."
"Uh uh," she huffed. "I want to know what Doc said." Alec glanced away then prepared himself for whatever anger he seemed to know would be coming his way.
"All right," he muttered. "Doc was surprised and concerned. I asked if he could do a CAT scan and we don’t have the equipment. So he’s going to call Dr. Carr and arrange an appointment with him. Is that all right with you?"
"Not really," she grumped. "But I’ll forgive you… if you lay down with me."
"Max," he sighed, prepared to argue.
"Just to rest," she promised, then smiled broadly. "Besides, I’ve kind of gotten used to you holding me when I sleep."
"That’s good to know," he smiled back and maneuvered behind her as she stretched out again. She pulled his arm over her waist, her fingers clasped loosely in his. She lifted her head so he could slip his arm under her neck. Max snuggled in as closely as possible and let her eyes drift shut.
*****
Max wore a pleased grin as she entered HQ the next day. After their impromptu catnap, they’d woken to make a meal for themselves, having missed lunch. Alec had then gone on to fill her in on all the duties she’d taken on for their little city. That way, she could take back her workload and ease up her dependency on others to do her job for her. Once he’d explained it to her, it didn’t seem that hard. It was a natural extension of what she’d been doing before. Keeping an eye on her people. There were subcommittees set up to deal with the practical side of the city. The utilities, garbage detail, security, food and housing. Those committees reported back to the committee that she and Alec had, so that everything could be organized and run smoothly. They also dealt with the business side of the city, which Max had already realized, going through the proposed contracts as she had.
Alec had offered to move into her office for a while, just to help her out. Instead of laughing as he might have expected, she took the offer seriously. In the end, she decided that he could stay put, pointing out that they were probably back and forth into each other’s offices throughout the day anyway. He’d grinned, as if she’d remembered. But that just made sense to her. The two leaders of TC needed to talk. And then she wondered aloud if they’d tried the shared office idea before. And Alec told her that they had. But they hadn’t got much done. Not for the city, that was.
She waved at a few people, working busily. Jiminy was there, as usual, a hands free head set phone attached so that he could monitor the calls coming in while he worked at other things. Max grinned and held her hand out as he came closer. There was a light of mild surprise in his eyes, but returned her smile and handed her a few pieces of paper, notes and messages directed to her. She knew what he must have been thinking, what all of them had been thinking. After yesterday’s little display from the group outside Joshua’s building, she realized that she and Alec were as close to celebrities in their little town as they could get. Naturally people were interested in the goings-on of their lives. It was annoying, that not everything was private, anonymous as she’d once been. But if it were a side effect of gaining their freedom, she’d live with it. For now anyway.
She’d analyzed what she could from the trannies point of view. They knew that something was up with her. They knew that Alec had left her. They just couldn’t know why. So she figured that most of them would have decided that they’d had some sort of fight. Alec coming home with her would tell them that they’d worked out whatever problems they’d had. And that was it. Just speculation. And with Alec, Joshua and now Doc in on her secret, hopefully things would run smoother for her when she was out and about. Alec had agreed with her that everybody else did not need to know that their leader didn’t remember them. It wouldn’t quite destroy public morale but it would be a blow.
Max leafed through the messages as she opened the door to her office. There was a message from the hotel catering staff that she needed to call them about finalizing the menu. A message from Normal that there was another package headed their way. And a note from Dix, telling her that he’d finally cracked the code and an invitation to come see the final product when she got the chance. She pushed the door shut and gasped when her eyes lighted in the desk.
She hurried forward, dropping the now unimportant papers to the side of the impressive mass of flowers gracing her desktop. The phone rang once and Max groaned. She leaned over to inhale the sweetly ticklish scent of the burgundy red roses. She sighed as the phone rang again and she snatched up the receiver.
"Yeah?" she muttered as she fingered the velvety smooth petals.
"Max? It’s Doc," the man didn’t sound offended by her abruptness.
"Oh hey," she smiled as she quickly counted the bouquet. A dozen long-stemmed roses. "What’s up?" She found the card, nestled in the center of the flowers and carefully pulled it loose.
"Did Alec tell you that he called me?" Doc asked easily. Given enough time to assimilate the latest fiasco of his patient’s life, he was able to approach this in his usual laid-back manner.
"Yeah, I was there," Max nodded even though he couldn’t see her. Her finger slid under the sealed flap of the envelope and ripped open the paper. She pulled out the folded over cardstock.
"So why didn’t you tell me?" Doc asked, mildly accusing.
"Wasn’t ready to share," she shrugged, again despite being the only person in the room.
"Uh huh," he scoffed. "Did you read through that packet of information I gave you?" Max wondered if it was just her imagination, or if his voice really had been as intense as she felt it was.
"Yeah, last night," she confirmed, and then laughed softly as she recalled his sleeping instructions. "It was all stuff I already knew, but thanks anyway."
"Oh," Doc sounded surprised. "Well good." He paused and Max glanced down, flipping open the card. She immediately recognized the bold script of her husband. "Anyway, the reason I called is because I wasn’t able to get Sam on the line."
"Oh?" she asked disinterestedly as she read the brief note from her sweetheart.
"Yep, his receptionist informed me that Dr. Carr and family are away on Christmas vacation," Doc continued. "He’ll be back on the second of January. So I went ahead and scheduled a visit for you. I mean, if you get your memories back before that, great. But I think we still need to discover the reason it happened in the first place. Okay?"
"That’s great Doc, thanks," Max mumbled her attention focused on the words before her.
"Okay then," Doc grunted, as if sensing he’d lost his audience. "So Max, let me know if you have anymore headaches, well any aches at all. My door is always open. Anything out of the ordinary, give me a call."
"Okay, I’ll do that," Max promised, even though she was barely paying him attention. "Bye." She didn’t hear his reply as she set the phone down in the cradle.
"So what do you say?" a deep voice asked from her doorway. Max’s head came up, a brilliant smile on her face. She stepped away from her desk moving to greet her husband, even though she’d just seen him less than half an hour before. She accepted his hug and leaned back a little to look up in his face.
"I think you’re right," she murmured. "No more wasting time on talk. It’s time to do something about this." She smiled, sensing the slight nervousness in his body. "I’d love to go on a date with you."
Chapter Seventeen
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